*singing* It's not feeling at all like Christmas ~ and musings on the TA retreat.

Here it is, December 18th, one week until Christmas Day, and I have none of that mystical sought after "Christmas spirit,” which leads me to wonder if we should even seek this spirit. This little intro is just a random intro just looking at the Christmas tree with randomly colored blinking lights, seeing the icicle lights through the sheer blinds of our picture window, and hearing Mom and Jenni making Christmas candy in the kitchen I just feel as though I’m missing something I should have.

I am home now or in the home I grew up in with the people who are blood relatives. Yet somehow I feel more alone and struggling than I did when I first woke up Saturday morning and there were all these strange ladies I didn't know around. New people intimidate me, and these women were no different than every other person. I wanted them to think I am the most amazing brilliant beautiful woman ever. I wanted them to think I was not only hilarious, but deep and close to the heart of God. I wanted them to like me and really not only like me, but love me, to dote on me. I wanted to be bragged about.

So, I did the obvious thing to create these feelings and ideas in their minds. I hid out in the bedroom for a while and just talked to Jesus about how scared I was. You know, when someone doesn't know you, they can't not like you. That has been the theory I always followed; and if you can't hide out, you just pretend to be as fantastic as you want them to think you are. Unfortunatly, I'm four years removed from high school, and I learned in high school that most of the people I think are cool and whom I want to impress see right through that fakeness and think I’m lame because of it. So, there is always this dilemma when I meet new people who I want to like me. I don't want to be fake and basically guarantee them thinking I’m some fake little kid; but I have such low self confidence I don't (didn't) believe they could like me for who I truly am. So I guess I face the classic question "To be or not to be."

I answered the question with "BE." I went out to the living room area and was quiet for awhile and got acclimated to all of these strange faces. Amazingly, over the course of Saturday and Sunday these women I honestly feared have become some of my newest dearest friends with whom I share some of the most hilarious inside jokes which no one else will understand. I could try and type them out, but I’m sure those of you reading this would be completely baffled and mystified as to the humour (that was for you Lisa) behind these random sayings.

Not only did I make some fantastic friends/sisters this weekend, God removed this billion pound weight off of my shoulders. I literally feel less tense in the shoulders and upper back. God is amazing. I feel a lot more guidance and hope than I did before this weekend. I don't know where I’m going, what will happen even in the next 2-3 months in my life, but I trust that my Jesus has the best possible plan for me, and I’m clinging to him.

I'm going to hang out with my best friend from high school, Mary tomorrow. I haven’t really spent any time with her since 2004, so it will be interesting. I think it will be awesome to see her again though. Tomorrow night I work and on Wednesday I’m hoping to go to Quincy and talk to Nathan the discipleship pastor at my church over there and just discuss things with him. I'm also going to see Carrie, my therapist that afternoon, so that will be nice. That evening I’m meeting Amy and possibly Tamara (depending on how sick she is, pray for her, she has a horrid cold apparently) at the Mexican restaurant in Macon. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again; it's been a REALLY long time, with me being off, Tamara finishing up her Bachelors, and Amy working. Thursday I’m going to go visit with my former youth pastor and talk to him about (aboot?) some of my ideas and how to implement things possibly. Friday I’m going to do something. lol. Sometime this week I hope to be able to visit with a lady from my church who wants to do some bible study with me. I’m really looking forward to that.

I fight a battle which is already won, so I will fight with complete and unwavering confidence because I know I canNOT lose! sweet!

~Angela

A tattoo for the pickley poo!

I"ll let the pics speak for themselves ;) pretty awesome eh? :D

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are conforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in teh
patient enduirng of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort."


HOLY CRAP ON A STICK!!! man guys, Jesus rocks. these verses just spoke to me today. does anyone have this in "The Message" translation? i had to read it 3 or four times to get it, but once i did, i loved it. i'd love to hear it in a more modern translation. . . (this was NASB)

God comforts us in our pain so that we may comfort others who are going through similar pain. ok, i'm bipolar. i have a friend who is struggling with some major mental problems right now, and i believe God is using me powerfully in her life to comfort her, because I know what it's like to hurt like that. how amazing. sometimes i forget that the Word of God is alive and breathing ,and then God shows me something like this and it just knocks me on my face. man.

i just had to share that. . .

Todd Agnew Show.

really, i'm posting this so i'll have the picture on the web so i can post it on the message boards. i'll tell you guys more about the show and Fuel retreat later. . .

a new friend

my new friend denise confuses me. now, it's not really HER that confuses me. . . it's the fact that i'm friends with her. I'm going to see if i can explain this. When i was younger i was made fun of by the "cool" people. YOu know who i'm talking about. The people who always dress nice and always have their hair done and wear makeup and are just girly girls. . . I am the antithesis of girly girl. . . I am a tomboy through and through. Always have been, always will be. Unfortunatly, i became prejedice against people who always seem to look good and have a smile on their face. Half of it is jealousy (only the smile on the face. i'm very content with my t-shirt and jeans look) and the other half is just leftover feelings from high school. I think my friendship with denise confuses me because i am human and judge people by how the look and act. Had denise not been super friendly and open and loving to me, i probably would have grown bitter towards her because she seems (note the word seems. i know NO ONE is actually put together. . .) so put together and just right with God. although this friendship confuses me, i think it is ver ygood for me. It's helping me break stereotypes i have ingrained in my mind.

Some thoughts

The fog is lifting off my weary mind. Jesus is good you guys. He has brought me out of pain. He just plain rocks the llama wool.

Just recently i started making some friends at Fuel, and now i'm all paranoid about them. Not really paranoid, but concerned. I'm concerned that they are or will become "Therapy Friends" in other words, friends taht see you only as your illness. Friends who can't see past your problems and see you as a person. Now, i don't think any of these people are that shallow, but you never know. I want friends who can be there when i need them, but can still be my friend when i'm not hurting, which is a rare breed. Online i have some friends who are "pain" friends. People i go to when i hurt and need prayer or help or just someone to talk to. then i also have friends who i NEVER talk about my illness (bipolar disorder) with. I don't want more therapy friends. I want true honest friends who are there for me no matter what the weather. Friends who will be my friend even though i like dumb jokes and even though i hurt really bad and sometimes try to hurt those i love because i don't believe i am worthy of being loved. Ah well. I am sure these are true people, honest and true who will be my friend even when i'm happy.

Guys God is amazing. Through this last "episode" He has taught me that He is good no matter the circumstance. No matter how i feel or how upset i am with him, he is good, he is pure, he is holy, and he is all powerful and in control.

A lesson in humility

coming out of a depressive episode is always a lesson in humility. You have to go to classes you haven't set foot in for weeks. See people who might (they ususally don't, but they MIGHT) ask you where you've been. You have to ask for notes and help from teachers. You have to make up assignments, if the teacher lets you. I know tommorrow and the rest of the week will be a continued lesson in humility. Not only am I going to face the world again, but i'm facing some important questions about what to do about my future. I know that God is good and will help me and my family make the right decisions as to what i should do with my life. It's just intimidating when you're facing some of the things i am facing. Intimidating, and humbling.

prayer would be accepted.