*singing* It's not feeling at all like Christmas ~ and musings on the TA retreat.
Here it is, December 18th, one week until Christmas Day, and I have none of that mystical sought after "Christmas spirit,” which leads me to wonder if we should even seek this spirit. This little intro is just a random intro just looking at the Christmas tree with randomly colored blinking lights, seeing the icicle lights through the sheer blinds of our picture window, and hearing Mom and Jenni making Christmas candy in the kitchen I just feel as though I’m missing something I should have.
I am home now or in the home I grew up in with the people who are blood relatives. Yet somehow I feel more alone and struggling than I did when I first woke up Saturday morning and there were all these strange ladies I didn't know around. New people intimidate me, and these women were no different than every other person. I wanted them to think I am the most amazing brilliant beautiful woman ever. I wanted them to think I was not only hilarious, but deep and close to the heart of God. I wanted them to like me and really not only like me, but love me, to dote on me. I wanted to be bragged about.
So, I did the obvious thing to create these feelings and ideas in their minds. I hid out in the bedroom for a while and just talked to Jesus about how scared I was. You know, when someone doesn't know you, they can't not like you. That has been the theory I always followed; and if you can't hide out, you just pretend to be as fantastic as you want them to think you are. Unfortunatly, I'm four years removed from high school, and I learned in high school that most of the people I think are cool and whom I want to impress see right through that fakeness and think I’m lame because of it. So, there is always this dilemma when I meet new people who I want to like me. I don't want to be fake and basically guarantee them thinking I’m some fake little kid; but I have such low self confidence I don't (didn't) believe they could like me for who I truly am. So I guess I face the classic question "To be or not to be."
I answered the question with "BE." I went out to the living room area and was quiet for awhile and got acclimated to all of these strange faces. Amazingly, over the course of Saturday and Sunday these women I honestly feared have become some of my newest dearest friends with whom I share some of the most hilarious inside jokes which no one else will understand. I could try and type them out, but I’m sure those of you reading this would be completely baffled and mystified as to the humour (that was for you Lisa) behind these random sayings.
Not only did I make some fantastic friends/sisters this weekend, God removed this billion pound weight off of my shoulders. I literally feel less tense in the shoulders and upper back. God is amazing. I feel a lot more guidance and hope than I did before this weekend. I don't know where I’m going, what will happen even in the next 2-3 months in my life, but I trust that my Jesus has the best possible plan for me, and I’m clinging to him.
I'm going to hang out with my best friend from high school, Mary tomorrow. I haven’t really spent any time with her since 2004, so it will be interesting. I think it will be awesome to see her again though. Tomorrow night I work and on Wednesday I’m hoping to go to Quincy and talk to Nathan the discipleship pastor at my church over there and just discuss things with him. I'm also going to see Carrie, my therapist that afternoon, so that will be nice. That evening I’m meeting Amy and possibly Tamara (depending on how sick she is, pray for her, she has a horrid cold apparently) at the Mexican restaurant in Macon. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again; it's been a REALLY long time, with me being off, Tamara finishing up her Bachelors, and Amy working. Thursday I’m going to go visit with my former youth pastor and talk to him about (aboot?) some of my ideas and how to implement things possibly. Friday I’m going to do something. lol. Sometime this week I hope to be able to visit with a lady from my church who wants to do some bible study with me. I’m really looking forward to that.
I fight a battle which is already won, so I will fight with complete and unwavering confidence because I know I canNOT lose! sweet!
~Angela
I am home now or in the home I grew up in with the people who are blood relatives. Yet somehow I feel more alone and struggling than I did when I first woke up Saturday morning and there were all these strange ladies I didn't know around. New people intimidate me, and these women were no different than every other person. I wanted them to think I am the most amazing brilliant beautiful woman ever. I wanted them to think I was not only hilarious, but deep and close to the heart of God. I wanted them to like me and really not only like me, but love me, to dote on me. I wanted to be bragged about.
So, I did the obvious thing to create these feelings and ideas in their minds. I hid out in the bedroom for a while and just talked to Jesus about how scared I was. You know, when someone doesn't know you, they can't not like you. That has been the theory I always followed; and if you can't hide out, you just pretend to be as fantastic as you want them to think you are. Unfortunatly, I'm four years removed from high school, and I learned in high school that most of the people I think are cool and whom I want to impress see right through that fakeness and think I’m lame because of it. So, there is always this dilemma when I meet new people who I want to like me. I don't want to be fake and basically guarantee them thinking I’m some fake little kid; but I have such low self confidence I don't (didn't) believe they could like me for who I truly am. So I guess I face the classic question "To be or not to be."
I answered the question with "BE." I went out to the living room area and was quiet for awhile and got acclimated to all of these strange faces. Amazingly, over the course of Saturday and Sunday these women I honestly feared have become some of my newest dearest friends with whom I share some of the most hilarious inside jokes which no one else will understand. I could try and type them out, but I’m sure those of you reading this would be completely baffled and mystified as to the humour (that was for you Lisa) behind these random sayings.
Not only did I make some fantastic friends/sisters this weekend, God removed this billion pound weight off of my shoulders. I literally feel less tense in the shoulders and upper back. God is amazing. I feel a lot more guidance and hope than I did before this weekend. I don't know where I’m going, what will happen even in the next 2-3 months in my life, but I trust that my Jesus has the best possible plan for me, and I’m clinging to him.
I'm going to hang out with my best friend from high school, Mary tomorrow. I haven’t really spent any time with her since 2004, so it will be interesting. I think it will be awesome to see her again though. Tomorrow night I work and on Wednesday I’m hoping to go to Quincy and talk to Nathan the discipleship pastor at my church over there and just discuss things with him. I'm also going to see Carrie, my therapist that afternoon, so that will be nice. That evening I’m meeting Amy and possibly Tamara (depending on how sick she is, pray for her, she has a horrid cold apparently) at the Mexican restaurant in Macon. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again; it's been a REALLY long time, with me being off, Tamara finishing up her Bachelors, and Amy working. Thursday I’m going to go visit with my former youth pastor and talk to him about (aboot?) some of my ideas and how to implement things possibly. Friday I’m going to do something. lol. Sometime this week I hope to be able to visit with a lady from my church who wants to do some bible study with me. I’m really looking forward to that.
I fight a battle which is already won, so I will fight with complete and unwavering confidence because I know I canNOT lose! sweet!
~Angela
posted by Angela at 9:05:00 PM
1 Comments:
it's good to see you writing on here again. i'm so thankful that the TA retreat was such a positive experience for you. God is good, eh?
I just want you to know that you are beautiful and wonderful, and I value you so much. you are yesly loved!
Post a Comment
<< Home