Todd Agnew Show.

really, i'm posting this so i'll have the picture on the web so i can post it on the message boards. i'll tell you guys more about the show and Fuel retreat later. . .

a new friend

my new friend denise confuses me. now, it's not really HER that confuses me. . . it's the fact that i'm friends with her. I'm going to see if i can explain this. When i was younger i was made fun of by the "cool" people. YOu know who i'm talking about. The people who always dress nice and always have their hair done and wear makeup and are just girly girls. . . I am the antithesis of girly girl. . . I am a tomboy through and through. Always have been, always will be. Unfortunatly, i became prejedice against people who always seem to look good and have a smile on their face. Half of it is jealousy (only the smile on the face. i'm very content with my t-shirt and jeans look) and the other half is just leftover feelings from high school. I think my friendship with denise confuses me because i am human and judge people by how the look and act. Had denise not been super friendly and open and loving to me, i probably would have grown bitter towards her because she seems (note the word seems. i know NO ONE is actually put together. . .) so put together and just right with God. although this friendship confuses me, i think it is ver ygood for me. It's helping me break stereotypes i have ingrained in my mind.

Some thoughts

The fog is lifting off my weary mind. Jesus is good you guys. He has brought me out of pain. He just plain rocks the llama wool.

Just recently i started making some friends at Fuel, and now i'm all paranoid about them. Not really paranoid, but concerned. I'm concerned that they are or will become "Therapy Friends" in other words, friends taht see you only as your illness. Friends who can't see past your problems and see you as a person. Now, i don't think any of these people are that shallow, but you never know. I want friends who can be there when i need them, but can still be my friend when i'm not hurting, which is a rare breed. Online i have some friends who are "pain" friends. People i go to when i hurt and need prayer or help or just someone to talk to. then i also have friends who i NEVER talk about my illness (bipolar disorder) with. I don't want more therapy friends. I want true honest friends who are there for me no matter what the weather. Friends who will be my friend even though i like dumb jokes and even though i hurt really bad and sometimes try to hurt those i love because i don't believe i am worthy of being loved. Ah well. I am sure these are true people, honest and true who will be my friend even when i'm happy.

Guys God is amazing. Through this last "episode" He has taught me that He is good no matter the circumstance. No matter how i feel or how upset i am with him, he is good, he is pure, he is holy, and he is all powerful and in control.

A lesson in humility

coming out of a depressive episode is always a lesson in humility. You have to go to classes you haven't set foot in for weeks. See people who might (they ususally don't, but they MIGHT) ask you where you've been. You have to ask for notes and help from teachers. You have to make up assignments, if the teacher lets you. I know tommorrow and the rest of the week will be a continued lesson in humility. Not only am I going to face the world again, but i'm facing some important questions about what to do about my future. I know that God is good and will help me and my family make the right decisions as to what i should do with my life. It's just intimidating when you're facing some of the things i am facing. Intimidating, and humbling.

prayer would be accepted.

Touched by God

Ok, i've been having a rough go of it the past couple of weeks, and when things get rough like they have been, it's hard not to get totally angry at God. . . So yeah, i was at fuel on thursday night and just bawling cause i was angry at God and asking the eternal question (why me!?) and so afterwards, neal, the guitar player worship leader guy asked me how i was and i jsut said "OK' i have this thing where i will NOT lie and say i'm fine when i'm not. so yeah, he probed and i told him what had been up. then him and a girl (cassie) prayed for me and it was amazing. God definitely used them powerfully in my life. it took a load off literally. i went from feeling ashamed and alone to feeling loved. that is a huge thing. God is so amazing guys. so amazing.