Writings.

singing It's not feeling at all like Christmas ~ and musings on the TA retreat.

2006-12-18T21:05:00.000-06:00

Here it is, December 18th, one week until Christmas Day, and I have none of that mystical sought after "Christmas spirit,” which leads me to wonder if we should even seek this spirit. This little intro is just a random intro just looking at the Christmas tree with randomly colored blinking lights, seeing the icicle lights through the sheer blinds of our picture window, and hearing Mom and Jenni making Christmas candy in the kitchen I just feel as though I’m missing something I should have.

I am home now or in the home I grew up in with the people who are blood relatives. Yet somehow I feel more alone and struggling than I did when I first woke up Saturday morning and there were all these strange ladies I didn't know around. New people intimidate me, and these women were no different than every other person. I wanted them to think I am the most amazing brilliant beautiful woman ever. I wanted them to think I was not only hilarious, but deep and close to the heart of God. I wanted them to like me and really not only like me, but love me, to dote on me. I wanted to be bragged about.

So, I did the obvious thing to create these feelings and ideas in their minds. I hid out in the bedroom for a while and just talked to Jesus about how scared I was. You know, when someone doesn't know you, they can't not like you. That has been the theory I always followed; and if you can't hide out, you just pretend to be as fantastic as you want them to think you are. Unfortunatly, I'm four years removed from high school, and I learned in high school that most of the people I think are cool and whom I want to impress see right through that fakeness and think I’m lame because of it. So, there is always this dilemma when I meet new people who I want to like me. I don't want to be fake and basically guarantee them thinking I’m some fake little kid; but I have such low self confidence I don't (didn't) believe they could like me for who I truly am. So I guess I face the classic question "To be or not to be."

I answered the question with "BE." I went out to the living room area and was quiet for awhile and got acclimated to all of these strange faces. Amazingly, over the course of Saturday and Sunday these women I honestly feared have become some of my newest dearest friends with whom I share some of the most hilarious inside jokes which no one else will understand. I could try and type them out, but I’m sure those of you reading this would be completely baffled and mystified as to the humour (that was for you Lisa) behind these random sayings.

Not only did I make some fantastic friends/sisters this weekend, God removed this billion pound weight off of my shoulders. I literally feel less tense in the shoulders and upper back. God is amazing. I feel a lot more guidance and hope than I did before this weekend. I don't know where I’m going, what will happen even in the next 2-3 months in my life, but I trust that my Jesus has the best possible plan for me, and I’m clinging to him.

I'm going to hang out with my best friend from high school, Mary tomorrow. I haven’t really spent any time with her since 2004, so it will be interesting. I think it will be awesome to see her again though. Tomorrow night I work and on Wednesday I’m hoping to go to Quincy and talk to Nathan the discipleship pastor at my church over there and just discuss things with him. I'm also going to see Carrie, my therapist that afternoon, so that will be nice. That evening I’m meeting Amy and possibly Tamara (depending on how sick she is, pray for her, she has a horrid cold apparently) at the Mexican restaurant in Macon. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again; it's been a REALLY long time, with me being off, Tamara finishing up her Bachelors, and Amy working. Thursday I’m going to go visit with my former youth pastor and talk to him about (aboot?) some of my ideas and how to implement things possibly. Friday I’m going to do something. lol. Sometime this week I hope to be able to visit with a lady from my church who wants to do some bible study with me. I’m really looking forward to that.

I fight a battle which is already won, so I will fight with complete and unwavering confidence because I know I canNOT lose! sweet!

~Angela

A tattoo for the pickley poo!

2005-11-15T20:15:00.000-06:00

I"ll let the pics speak for themselves ;) pretty awesome eh? :D

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

2005-11-03T14:05:00.000-06:00

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are conforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in teh
patient enduirng of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort."

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK!!! man guys, Jesus rocks. these verses just spoke to me today. does anyone have this in "The Message" translation? i had to read it 3 or four times to get it, but once i did, i loved it. i'd love to hear it in a more modern translation. . . (this was NASB)

God comforts us in our pain so that we may comfort others who are going through similar pain. ok, i'm bipolar. i have a friend who is struggling with some major mental problems right now, and i believe God is using me powerfully in her life to comfort her, because I know what it's like to hurt like that. how amazing. sometimes i forget that the Word of God is alive and breathing ,and then God shows me something like this and it just knocks me on my face. man.

i just had to share that. . .

Todd Agnew Show.

2005-10-31T15:11:00.000-06:00

really, i'm posting this so i'll have the picture on the web so i can post it on the message boards. i'll tell you guys more about the show and Fuel retreat later. . .

a new friend

2005-10-28T10:57:00.000-05:00

my new friend denise confuses me. now, it's not really HER that confuses me. . . it's the fact that i'm friends with her. I'm going to see if i can explain this. When i was younger i was made fun of by the "cool" people. YOu know who i'm talking about. The people who always dress nice and always have their hair done and wear makeup and are just girly girls. . . I am the antithesis of girly girl. . . I am a tomboy through and through. Always have been, always will be. Unfortunatly, i became prejedice against people who always seem to look good and have a smile on their face. Half of it is jealousy (only the smile on the face. i'm very content with my t-shirt and jeans look) and the other half is just leftover feelings from high school. I think my friendship with denise confuses me because i am human and judge people by how the look and act. Had denise not been super friendly and open and loving to me, i probably would have grown bitter towards her because she seems (note the word seems. i know NO ONE is actually put together. . .) so put together and just right with God. although this friendship confuses me, i think it is ver ygood for me. It's helping me break stereotypes i have ingrained in my mind.

Some thoughts

2005-10-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

The fog is lifting off my weary mind. Jesus is good you guys. He has brought me out of pain. He just plain rocks the llama wool.

Just recently i started making some friends at Fuel, and now i'm all paranoid about them. Not really paranoid, but concerned. I'm concerned that they are or will become "Therapy Friends" in other words, friends taht see you only as your illness. Friends who can't see past your problems and see you as a person. Now, i don't think any of these people are that shallow, but you never know. I want friends who can be there when i need them, but can still be my friend when i'm not hurting, which is a rare breed. Online i have some friends who are "pain" friends. People i go to when i hurt and need prayer or help or just someone to talk to. then i also have friends who i NEVER talk about my illness (bipolar disorder) with. I don't want more therapy friends. I want true honest friends who are there for me no matter what the weather. Friends who will be my friend even though i like dumb jokes and even though i hurt really bad and sometimes try to hurt those i love because i don't believe i am worthy of being loved. Ah well. I am sure these are true people, honest and true who will be my friend even when i'm happy.

Guys God is amazing. Through this last "episode" He has taught me that He is good no matter the circumstance. No matter how i feel or how upset i am with him, he is good, he is pure, he is holy, and he is all powerful and in control.

A lesson in humility

2005-10-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

coming out of a depressive episode is always a lesson in humility. You have to go to classes you haven't set foot in for weeks. See people who might (they ususally don't, but they MIGHT) ask you where you've been. You have to ask for notes and help from teachers. You have to make up assignments, if the teacher lets you. I know tommorrow and the rest of the week will be a continued lesson in humility. Not only am I going to face the world again, but i'm facing some important questions about what to do about my future. I know that God is good and will help me and my family make the right decisions as to what i should do with my life. It's just intimidating when you're facing some of the things i am facing. Intimidating, and humbling.

prayer would be accepted.

Touched by God

2005-10-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, i've been having a rough go of it the past couple of weeks, and when things get rough like they have been, it's hard not to get totally angry at God. . . So yeah, i was at fuel on thursday night and just bawling cause i was angry at God and asking the eternal question (why me!?) and so afterwards, neal, the guitar player worship leader guy asked me how i was and i jsut said "OK' i have this thing where i will NOT lie and say i'm fine when i'm not. so yeah, he probed and i told him what had been up. then him and a girl (cassie) prayed for me and it was amazing. God definitely used them powerfully in my life. it took a load off literally. i went from feeling ashamed and alone to feeling loved. that is a huge thing. God is so amazing guys. so amazing.

why

2005-09-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

sorry i havent' posted lately. things haven't beeng going well for me. i don't know when i'll post again. right now what i have to say isn't what i should be saying. prayers accepted guys.

Kainos

2005-09-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

You all need to check out the band Kainos. They're currently on tour with ShoutFest (a travelling festival thing). They so rock! I've seen them twice this summer and will see them a third time on sunday. To hear their music, go to www.myspace.com/kainos

Yeah, GO CHECK THEM OUT! NOW!

:D

Hurricane Rita

2005-09-21T23:24:00.000-05:00

Guys, pray for those in the area hurricane rita might hit. They most definitely need our prayers right now. I know I (as well as most of you, my gomer buddies) have friends in that area who are evacuating. Unfortunately there are many who can't get out (those who dont' have cars for example) pray especially for them.

Daddy God I pray for the people who's lives and posessions are in danger of being ruined by this hurricane. Father I pray a mighty wind to make the hurricane less vicious. I pray everyone will be able to get out safely. Lord protect them.

Amen

The Top Ten Influential Women in My Life So Far #2

2005-09-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

The second woman I am going to highlight in my list is my mommy. My mom is an amazing woman. She has faced her share of challenges in her life. One thing that stands out about my mom is her perseverence. She has stood by my side through the many hospitalizations and just plain crap I've been through. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to take having her middle daughter go through so much. My mommy is such an amazingly strong woman. God has definitely given her strength. She was willing to take my circumstances seriously and get me help, and make me stick with getting help. She dealt with me not wanting to get out of bed and my stubbornness on certain issues. She is amazing. Always has been, always will be.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!

The Top Ten Influential Women in My Life So Far.

2005-09-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am going to do a little "series" on my blog. Mark Lee is doing a "songwriting hacks" series, so I'm going to do my own series. This series is entitled "The Top Ten Influential Women in My Life So Far."

So, first of all, this list is in absolutly NO order. I cannot put a level of importance on any of these women's impact on my life.

So, Influential Woman # 1 is *drumroll please*

My current/former therapist Carrie.

Carrie's impact on my life is fairly obvious as she was/is my therapist. Carrie is an incredible woman, her and I spent many hours talking through my issues. She helped me face some of my biggest fears and pointed out some things about myself that I don't think I would have ever seen without help. I saw her regularly for about 2 years. I currently am on an "as needed" basis with her. So yeah, it's been a month since I've seen her and I'm fine. Which is very happy, yet kind of sad.
Although we paid her, she was a true friend. She allowed me to intrude on her life many times when I was in crisis. She came and visited me in the hospital the two times I was in. She is an incredible woman.
The only thing that I don't like is that she isn't a Christian. So yeah, pray for her. Pray that her and her husband will become Christians and that her baby will be raised in a Christian home.

So yeah, that is what I have to say about my former/current therapist.

Third Day's "Cry Out To Jesus"

2005-09-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm a slacker and am just now listening to the real version and extended version of the song (downloadable from Third Day's website at least I think it still is. . . if it isn't, leave a comment. . .) It's amazing. People have lost so much. This song is powerful. I can relate to it and I'm sure all of us can, because at some point in our lives, we have hurt. The line I really like is "He'll meet you wherever you are" How powerful is that? One thing I know I forget about God is that He will bring me back from wherever I am. I don't have to seek him, he seeks after me. As it says in Hosea, He will allure me from the wilderness. Lord, a tragedy has happened. Let people come to you because of it.

sings I've got peace like a river i've got peace like a river!

2005-09-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

Peace. Jesus mentions peace a lot in the Bible. I don't know exactly how many, and I'm too lazy to count. :D This verse has been on my mind lately. God has given me such incredibly peace. So much peace that I don't know what to do with it. I've gotten so used to constant internal conflict, and now, that is gone. It's really nice and really wierd at the same time. There is a song that says "I want a peace beyond my understanding" and this is it! It's AMAZING!

Feeling Restless

2005-09-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm feeling restless. I think i'm ALREADY getting bored with school! ARGH. i just, doing the same thing day in and day out get's to me. i don't know. i want to do something exciting, something amazing, and this definitely isn't it. I know i HAVE to go to school first, and that someday i will do something incredible and exciting. Maybe i already have and i just don't know it. I don't know. I think it's just a phase. I have phases.

You guys, God is so amazing. I'm doing so well. It's amazing. God is so good.

my hair

2005-09-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

here is my hair

hmm

2005-09-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

well, i really haven't had any deep and inspiring thoughts today, so i'll leave this for you. Today marks one year since i was released from the Psych Ward. and i am dying my hair purple. fun crazy times! i'll post a picture tommorrow if i can figure out how!

Love

2005-09-12T20:41:00.000-05:00

*sings* All we need is love! ba ba da badumba

I'm watching "Two Men and a Boy" or whatever that show with Charlie Sheen. . . I forget it's name. It's the episode where Charlie and Alan pretend to be gay.

This show always makes me think about the Church's response to homosexuality. Jesus calls us to love our neighbors, he doesn't put any qualifiers on it either. He didn't say "love your neighbor unless they're gay," he simply said "Love your neighbors." not only did he say this, but he said it is the second comand. So, obviously, loving your neighbor is a very important thing to do. . .

How do we love our neighbor though. In regards to homosexuality, is ignoring that a person is gay loving them? Or is loving them talking to them about the truth, trying to show them that Jesus is King. Some people seem to like to "love" homosexuals by shoving the Bible down their throats.

I don't really know the answer to this question. I have a friend who is gay and I don't know what to do. I love this guy and I want him to know Christ. But I don't think he believes in the Bible, so therefore quoting verses means nothing you know? If you don't believe in the Bible, using verses isn't going to persuade you of anything you know? I'm kind of tangenty tonight, I apologize.

So basically, how do we love people who are different from us?

Are we all druggies?

2005-09-11T22:53:00.000-05:00

Karl Marx said "Religion is the Opiate of the Masses." Today on the way home from St. Louis (where we watched the Cardinals beat the Mets on Saturday) I somehow got to thinking about that quote. I first heard it in my Intro to Sociology class at Moberly last year (wow, has it really been a year?).

So yeah, is religion really just a drug to calm the people? As I look at my life, I see how God has given me peace and gotten me through rough times, and I wonder, would I have made it through without God? Is God just something I invent to make myself feel better? Yes, I know these are hard questions to ask and to answer, but I like to ponder on them some. Keeps the mind sharp!

I don't believe God is just something I make up. Do I have scientific evidence, no, but it's what I believe. If I didn't believe, I would feel lost and alone. I am sure of this because I tried to not believe. No matter how hard I tried to push God out of my life, everything came back to God.

Is God just some idea we use to calm ourselves? This is a question many people of my generation and generations before and generations to come have and will ask. How will you answer it?

Outspoken

2005-09-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight was Fuel. Fuel is basically "college and young adult youth group" at my college church, The Crossing.

Tuesday marked the passing of a year since i admitted myself to the hospital, and it's been a kinda rough but amazing week for me. God has really shown me how much He has grown me in just a year. He is so amazing. I'm a different person than I was just a year ago. The same, but different in so many positive aspects. I'm not scared of the future anymore, I'm not paranoid, I know how to cry. He is so faithful. God is good

So, to the point. At Fuel we're talking about prayer and during the sermon God was just kinda giving me a little upset stomach, which is how He usually tells me to do something. . . so then teh sermon was over and we were singing, and the upset tummy got worse. So, I went and talked to the leader guy and just told him how amazing God has worked in my life and that it's been a year and all that jazz, and he asked me if i wanted to tell the whole group (about 100 people) and I said yes. So, I did. I only talked like for 2 minutes, but I shared my joy with the community. It was incredibly scary and satisfying at the same time.

Guys, God is so powerful. He answers prayer. I know my life is a testament to so many answered prayers. Be a ray of Jesus light to the world. Shine like the stars in the Heaven. Be Jesus to someone.

God Bless
Angela

A real blog for the Pickle

2005-09-08T21:40:00.000-05:00

Well, today i was reading Sarah mercyGurl's blog and i thought to myself, "i want a REAL blog. not a therapy blog like my xanga is, something to get real thoughts out there, and not just something to say "my day was blah blah blah"' don't worry, i'll keep my xanga and vent there, but this one is more. . . formal? i don't know what word i want to use, but formal sounds good!

I will post a real post after Fuel tonight.